Icons of defeat are testing the Aussies' patience

Kate Battersby13 April 2012

Even to those of an entirely non-cricketing mind, the rumblings surrounding the current Test series between Australia and the West Indies are enough to have the world of willow trembling on its axis.

Barring a late - and entirely futile - rally at the end of the series, the utter feebleness of the Windies' performance on their Australian tour has raised doubts whether the once terrifying team any longer merit a series comprising five Tests. Remarkable, no?

Even England, in the darkest of their many dark hours, never seriously faced such ignominy, despite some dissenting voices.

Under normal circumstances this would be the cue for many happy hours of schadenfreude. Yet in this case the moment of thank-God-it-isn't-us relief passes strangely quickly - something to do with the dreary business of time's passing, no doubt.

Certain images form a cosy background to one's dimly-recalled youth. Liverpool winning trophies with unimaginable regularity. Wales ditto at the Arms Park. Red Rum amassing Nationals. The West Indies smashing the opposition to pieces. Times change.

As things stand the Australian Cricket Board have been granted special permission to preserve what they call 'icon series' against England and the West Indies as five-Test rubbers.

The problem is that the Windies in their current form are icons of defeat. The latest rout, at the Melbourne Cricket Ground last week, was the 17th in their last 19 overseas Tests.

With one Test left, the Windies are looking down the barrel of their first ever 5-0 whitewash by Australia. Captain Jimmy Adams is on course to equal Brian Lara's unprecedented supervision of six successive Test defeats in record time.

The pressure is on for shorter series in any case. Nine of the 10 Test nations share the same summer, and a new roster system has been approved which decrees all nations must play each other over a five-year period.

It seems outmoded that the West Indies are still granted five Tests against Australia, when South Africa merit merely three.

Five-Test series seemed reasonable in the early 1980s when the Windies were great and there was no Zimbabwe, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh or South Africa at Test level. Not any more, and it shows.

Gates on the Australian tour have been exceptional partly because of the excellence of the home side - as long as the current domestic winning streak of 14 straight victories remains intact, Australia versus Iceland would draw big crowds - and partly for the fascination in seeing an ex-champ on the ropes.

But with the final Test beginning in Sydney today, the attraction is wearing thin. Observers at the MCG reported the atmosphere was as flat as anyone could remember in a home Test match featuring Australia trampling their rivals. Fifty patrons were so bored they wandered off to watch Shane Warne in the nets. Desperation indeed.

Times move on. Truths must be faced. Cricket must be careful not to become so organised that it locks itself into a schedule where tomorrow's programmes are decided on yesterday's rankings.

Hingis serves notice of major push with clothes show

Never mind her patently improved fitness and nuclear form, the major talking point at the Burswood Dome in Perth has been Hingis's garb.

She is playing her singles and mixed doubles matches in the Hopman Cup wearing a body-hugging shirt with one sleeve just above the elbow, and the other all the way to the wrist. Shades of Denise Lewis's attire for the javelin in the Olympic heptathlon.

Hingis's primary sponsor adidas designed the new look at the end of last season, but she insists the eye-catching design is for "support'', rather than anything so cheap and nasty as mere show.

All strictly scientific, it says here.

She explained: "It's just for my hitting arm generally. There was a lot of discussion and a lot of testing with the material and it came out great.

"It feels very good. I've been practising with it and it still feels a little bit different when I play a match.

"However, the more I play with it, it's going to be fine, even outside.''

If it really is as much of a scientific improvement as all that, then perhaps Hingis has a real chance of regaining the Australian title, coincidentally the last major crown she called her own back at the start of 1999. She owes her No1 ranking to the nine singles titles she won last year.

In Perth, she is looking impressively leaner than ever, even though she wasn't exactly carrying spare weight before now.

So if her game has improved, and if adidas have come up with something that really is a genuine aid to her game, then she may be able to break Venus Williams's recent domination of the Slams.

Even if the one-armed shirt makes no proven difference, it need not matter, so long as Hingis feels she acquires some kind of mental edge by wearing it.

Some boffins scoffed at the supposed improvement offered to swimmers by the Speedo Sharkskin bodysuit, but the crucial factor seemed to be that swimmers simply felt better when they wore it than when they were obliged to wear something else.

At the super-elite level, tiny margins of improvement can bridge a competitive gulf.

So for as long as Hingis is winning in her peculiar one-armed shirt, you can bet that she will keep on wearing it.

A rough way to get to the pub

The most popular race is set for the coming weekend - the promisingly named Pier To Pub in the Lorne suburb of Melbourne.

According to legend, this race was created more than 20 years ago when a group of swimmers dived off the pier and swam towards a local hotel.

The one who came last was obliged to stand a round of drinks for the rest. Fortunately that tradition was no longer in force when 3,603 competitors earned the 1.2km race a place in the Guinness Book of Records 12 months ago.

Customary pleasures of roughwater swimming include the strong likelihood of being kicked in the head by the person ahead of you. Usually this is accidental.

Another hazard is having a competitor swim over the top of you, which may be accidental, but may also simply be because he couldn't be bothered to take the long way round.

All this on top of the business of learning to swim through heavy surf - 100m out at sea the swell can feel like a rollercoaster. Moving in a straight line is particularly difficult, not necessarily solved by following the person in front. Chances are they will be as lost as you are.

My word, these Australians know how to have a good time.

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