FOOTBALL won at the Bridge as Wigan refused to lie down at Chelsea's feet <br></br>LET'S hope Portsmouth can slay the Cardiff dragon in the FA Cup final <br></br>BOLTON can play like a team of geriatrics and still beat West Ham

14 April 2012

For all the hype of Grand Slam Sundays and such like, it was the age-old story of underestimating your opponent that ultimately nudged the Barclays trophy decisively towards Old Trafford and away from Stamford Bridge.

• Click here to read yesterday's Hatchet Man column

In the world of Roman Abramovich, Wigan just don't register. They are the kind of paltry opposition who allow you to rest your chief goalscorer and your main creative force for the greater test of Everton away on Thursday.

So Didier Drogba was parked up in the stand for the night with headphones around his ears. I'd guess he wasn't listening to the Collected Inspirational Speeches of Avram Grant – but whatever it was, that kind of semi-detached approach to his team-mates' efforts doesn't go down well with Hatchet Man.

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Feeling the blues: Emile Heskey wheels away after scoring against Chelsea as John Terry and Petr Cech

Feeling the blues: Emile Heskey wheels away after scoring against Chelsea as John Terry and Petr Cech

Joe Cole was the other non-starter, though at least he was left on the bench just in case Chelsea needed a touch of the unexpected late in the game.

Give Grant some credit for realising at half-time that his listless title-chasers were going nowhere without Joe's magic on the field. So on Cole came, and within 10 minutes he'd helped lay on the opening goal for Essien.

But give Steve Bruce's spiky Wigan boys a lot more credit. They deserved something for their attempt to take the game to Chelsea – and after creating a host of chances in the first half they made one count at the death.

How many times this season have Chelsea pussyfooted their way through the last 15 minutes for an Avram-style 1-0 win? Sexy football it isn't, Roman.

Who has played the most entertaining football in the Premier League this season? Answer: Manchester United and Arsenal, by a distance. Hatchet Man can live with the title going to either of them.

Before the game someone on Radio 5 tried to make a point about how Arsenal fell down compared with Chelsea because they had one wacky captain (Gallas), while Chelsea had four strong characters who'd all captained their countries (Terry, Essien, Ballack and Cech). And still they approached Wigan like they'd be an easy three points.

Football won at the Bridge last night.

••••••

Some influential people in Cardiff's corner are calling for the so-called Welsh 'national anthem' to be played before the FA Cup Final next month.

Let me get this straight. That's the same Cardiff City who are insisting that rules should be bent so that they are allowed to represent England in the UEFA Cup next season, should they do the unthinkable and beat Portsmouth at Wembley.

Hatchet didn't even realise Wales had a national anthem - being a Principality - rather than a country.

Welsh sports minister Rhodri Glyn Thomas wants Land of My Fathers to be played alongside God Save The Queen, with the rather false assumption that the latter is England's anthem - it is the United Kingdom's.

If Cardiff fans can't even join in singing along with the rest of us, why even bother letting them play in the FA Cup, let alone Europe.

The FA are so spineless that they aren't ruling anything in or out on either issue.

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All the best to you Mr Redknapp

All the best to you Mr Redknapp

As for the European debate, there may have been changes at the top of the FA, but still they dither in the same way they did over Everton or Liverpool's qualification for the Champions League in 2005.

Then Everton had a cast-iron case for qualifying if they finished fourth in the League, but Liverpool would cause a problem if they won the Champions League Final against Milan in Istanbul.

The FA showed zero leadership in the run-up to the Reds' famous victory, hoping the problem would go away. They were lucky UEFA let both in.

Let's hope Portsmouth at least solve the issue of Cardiff's European qualification without further embarrassment.

••••••

There are still some people who seem to think the Spanish League is so much better than the Barclays Premier League.

Three English versus one Spanish club in the Champions League last four should end the debate. Especially as disunited, unbalanced Barcelona are the weakest side left in the competition.

Don't believe me? They're currently fighting with Real Madrid as each try to hand the other the title.

Real have pathetically won just five of their last 13 games - losing seven. Yet they've been top since early October and are still nine points clear of their Nou Camp rivals.

Barca have won four of their last 12 and are in disarray. Yesterday, Spanish paper Marca mocked up Ronaldinho and coach Frank Rijkaard as characters from The Simpsons.

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It's all yellow: Rijkaard as a Simpson while (below) Ronaldinho also got the Marca treatment

It's all yellow: Rijkaard as a Simpson while (below) Ronaldinho also got the Marca treatment

Dinho was Homer, who was out of shape and always drinking too much at Moe's Tavern. Perhaps more embarrassingly, Rijkaard was portrayed as Marge.

Not quite Mickey Mouse football, but not far off.

If La Liga was so great, why would Spain's two best coaches, Juande Ramos and Rafa Benitez, leave for England? Not to mention Fernando Torres.

So, why would Cristiano Ronaldo be tempted by yet even more advances, yawn, from Real Madrid?

••••••

Spurs fans shouldn't be bothered if Dimitar Berbatov leaves White Hart Lane. The season they should have finished fourth and were scuppered by the lasagne, he wasn't even around. So any idea that the Bulgarian's departure would be a massive backwards step is utter nonsense.

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Not the Be all: Spurs almost finished fourth in the Premier League without Dimi Berbatov

••••••

This little titbit crossed the news desk at Hatchet Towers in the past few days.

It involved claims that the Uruguay Football Federation hired a prostitute to service a referee in an attempt to win a World Cup qualifier.

The apparent intention was to influence Argentine referee Sergio Pezzotta for the game between Uruguay and Chile in Montevideo last November, according to Uruguayan newspaper La Republica. However, it finished 2-2, with Chile seeming to get the best of three disputed penalty decisions.

Oddly, the story was written by Uruguayan journalist Ricardo Gabito but was based on notes from a female Argentine colleague, Mariana Gastambide.

It claims a prostitute visited the official at his hotel in the three days leading up to the game. Pezzotta denies this.

But Argentine newspaper Ole smells a rat. It reports that the girl seen at the hotel was also a journalist and a friend of Gastambide.

Furthermore, it quotes a source saying: "The girl is called Yosselem Rocamora. She is searching for fame and is a long way off being an attractive woman.

"Pezzotta tells the truth, but it is also true that this girl came into the hotel on a regular basis."

Rocamora hit back. She says she is not a prostitute and that she had a 'mature' relationship with the referee lasting several months, adding: "I can't talk of him as a boyfriend, nor partner, I would say that he is a friend with privileges."

Sounds just like Hatchet's kind of girl.

••••••

The battle to stay in the Premier League is a survival of the fittest. So, Bolton fans have even more to worry about.

My Lancashire spy was at the Reebok on Saturday, and wasn't impressed by the Trotters' lack of conditioning.

He said: "Most of them were knackered by 70 minutes, it were like watching a team of geriatrics. A few of them could hardly move by the end. Good job West Ham were useless."

From being one of the fittest sides in the top flight under Big Sam, they're now out on their feet by the time a game is three-quarters over, and better teams than the Hammers will take advantage. Could cost them dear in the last four games.

••••••

So, Mike Tyson has offered to help out Gazza when he comes to Gateshead on his tour of the UK in May. Apparently boxing's favourite jailbird is qualified to help England's perpetual footballing tragedy because he helped Wayne Rooney through a difficult time a few years back.

Back in 2005, Wayne Rooney was on a downer and I met him and lifted his spirits.

"I am sure I can do the same for Paul Gascoigne."

Well, Gazza, beware. Look where taking years of advice from the likes of Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner has got you. Advice from Iron Mike can only be worse.

If you are going to take advice on how to rebuild your life, don't take it from a man who eats ears. Who next, OJ Simpson, Dwain Chambers, Marion Jones?

And as for Tyson, who does he think he is? Thinks he can succeed where so many others have failed, does he? Well Gazza just ain't that simple. He is the Tyneside version of Peter Pan. You might have bitten off more than you can chew there, Mike.

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