Londoners Diary: Oh, to be a fly on the wall at Westminster ...

 
Imaginary conversations: Ed Miliband (Picture: Getty)
7 November 2014

There’s nothing more thrilling than being let in on private conversations in the corridors of power — which is why The Londoner was delighted to get a copy of I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, parliamentary sketchwriter John Crace’s guide to life in Westminster, in which he imagines the exchanges that took place, say, between the Milibands after the Labour leadership contest:

Ed: I know it’s come as a shock to both of us but you could at least try to look as if you’re a little bit pleased for me.

David: Shan’t.

Ed: How about you join my Shadow Cabinet? You can take your pick. Chancellor, Home Secretary …

David: Let me think about it. There. I’ve thought about it.

Ed: And …?

David: You know what? I’ll pass.

The book, published by Bantam Press, also includes conversations that could have taken place within the Cabinet:

Cameron: We’re all going to have to tighten our belts.

Osborne: Tell me about it. I’ve already cut back the cleaner’s hours.

Cameron: Good man. I’ve axed one of my foreign holidays.

Osborne: If only more people were prepared to make these sorts of sacrifices in their everyday lives, then the country would soon pull through.

Then there are the ones that never took place in public:

Reporter: If there’s a leadership contest after the election, will you stand?

Boris: Are you mad? Of course I will.

Reporter: Who will do your Mayor’s job, then?

Boris: Oh, I don’t know. It’s not that hard, really. You just go out and talk to people about traffic and how wonderful London is. I’m sure the deputy can stand in for me for the last year.

Reporter: Who is the deputy?

Boris: You know, I haven’t a clue.

The Londoner is already looking forward to the unexpected tête-a-têtes in the 2020 sequel — a Nigel Farage and Chuka Umunna coalition, perhaps?

Everything is rosy in the garden for Diane Abbott

Speaking of the Milibands, if a coup against Ed is on the cards, at least he can count on Diane Abbott. The MP has pooh-poohed claims that plots are brewing against the Labour leader but when we saw her at the Stonewall Awards at the V&A last night it wasn’t just Ed whose praises she was singing.

“Coming here every year reminds you of the progress we have made,” she told The Londoner. “I think it’s pretty impressive that a Tory Prime Minister took equal marriage to the House of Commons. There are a few hiccups but prejudice is shrinking.”

Those hiccups may include Nicky Morgan, the equalities minister, only recently saying she would “probably” vote for gay marriage given a second opportunity.

Marilyn, a true pioneer of feminism

Marilyn Monroe: blonde bombshell, tragic icon and ... unsung feminist? Discussing her new book, Women in Dark Times, at the LRB bookshop in Bloomsbury last night, feminist academic Jacqueline Rose argued that the Fifties movie star was acutely aware of the burden of being an object of desire.

According to Rose, Marilyn “hated” her most iconic film, Some Like It Hot: “She said no woman would be so stupid as to think those two guys were girls!”

“In every performance,” claimed Rose, “Marilyn was sending herself up. As if to say ‘I’ll play this version of femininity — as long as we all acknowledge that it’s ludicrous!’”

Get ready to bend it like Barks

Les Misérables actress Samantha Barks donned her heels last night for the launch of shoe brand Loriblu’s new boutique but perhaps she should be looking for a good pair of trainers.

On the ball: Samantha Barks (Picture: Dave Benett)
Dave Benett

The new musical version of Bend It Like Beckham will be opening in the West End next year and while the cast is yet to be announced, Barks was involved in the initial workshops, playing the Keira Knightley role.

We can’t wait to see her fancy footwork if she does take to the stage.

Such suburban bliss, Mr Bond

You’d be forgiven for thinking that James Bond movies were all guns, gals and evil Russians. But if Mike Leigh has anything to do with it, there’d be more mums than martinis in the next film.

The Mr Turner director has announced in a recent interview with Empire magazine that if he were to take on the spy series he would put a slightly different spin on the genre.

“I think it would be great to make a James Bond film which is all about Bond going to see his mother in the suburbs,” said Leigh. We can almost imagine it now — all those twitching lace curtains as Bond speeds off in a Volvo to save the girl-next-door.

TPT is tweet on Mr Brush

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson has a foxy new companion. The socialite was at Kensington’s Bodo’s Schloss last night for a fundraiser for Skiing for Heroes. Tara provided the piano score for the charity’s promo video and is now hoping for a high-profile collaboration.

“I played with Basil Brush at the Royal Albert Hall,” she told us, before clarifying that she was referring to the retro children’s TV puppet. “I love him and he is a really good friend of mine on Twitter. I’ve worked with the best of them but Basil beats them all.”

Imaginary friends aside, it’s been a while since we’ve seen Palmer-Tomkinson. “I don’t really go out any more,” she said. “I went out for 20 years and that was enough.” We know how she feels.

Smart guys come to party

From beautiful women to well-groomed men, we headed to the Gentleman’s Journal party, held at bespoke tailor’s Gieves & Hawkes on Savile Row. In a world where H&M are now selling jumpers with the word ‘Wang’ emblazoned on them, it was good to spend an evening surrounded by beautiful suits, especially that belonging to model Oliver Cheshire.

Dressed to impress: Oliver Cheshire

The magazine and shop have a close relationship and we certainly could see some similarities: they are both beautifully presented, full of objects of interest and have sections dedicated to the royal family.

Diane's a busy girl

Diane von Furstenberg certainly had a busy year. The designer starred in a reality TV show, published a memoir and, at the Phillips Gallery in Berkeley Square last night, launched a book which maps the evolution of her famous wrap-dress. The Seventies design is, in DVF’s words, “both proper and seductive”. She recently revealed that, when hosting a Hollywood lunch with Anne Hathaway, the actress’s mother disclosed that not only had she seduced her husband in the dress but Anne may have been conceived in one. Pulling power, indeed.

Did Ol’ Blue Eyes make the Queen’s playlist?

What would one put on a mixtape for The Queen? At least one royal subject knows the answer. Cass the Gas, formerly the resident DJ at Annabel’s, features in a new film about the club and recently told us he once had a very special request.

“Prince Andrew was one of our regulars,” he said.

“I was even at his wedding. But he once asked if he could have a couple of tapes for his mum. So I had a think about the kind of music the Queen would have liked and sent her some Frank Sinatra cassettes. I hope she enjoyed them.” Sinatra once sang in I’ve Got a Crush on You: “How glad the many millions of Annabelles and Lillians would be to capture me.”

Considering that Annabel’s is still the only nightclub that Her Majesty has frequented — she sipped a gin martini there once — we’re guessing Ol’ Blue Eyes was just her style.

Kate Bottley loves her babies

You give a little love ... and a whole lot of suspicion comes back to you. Gogglebox star and Nottingham vicar Kate Bottley tweets today of trying to affectionately rouse her brood. “Overcome by love, I wake the children with ‘I love you, my babies’. ‘Am I in trouble?’ replies the youngest. ‘Are you high?’ says the teenager.” Best light up another one, Kate.

Ladies with Trouble in mind

The Londoner has been all around the world and finally — last night in the heart of Soho — we found Lisa Stansfield. The Mancunian chanteuse was performing at the launch party of The Trouble Club, London’s latest women’s members’ club (though witty boys are welcome).

Satirical artist Miriam Elia and Kit Kat Club chairman Alice Sherwood were among those kicking off the pop-up’s two months of talks, gigs and debates from prolific women such as Mary Beard, Bonnie Greer and erotic editorix Rowan Pelling. “From Monday to Sunday I work harder than you know,” sang Stansfield, “I’m no classy lady but I’m all woman.”

Sounds like trouble.

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