How many calories are you burning in the bedroom? These trackers will analyse your sexercise

The newest activity trackers can tell you exactly how much sexercise you are doing, says Rachael Sigee
Let's sexercise
Rachael Sigee8 February 2016

You’ve had a long, hard, sweaty session. The blood is pumping, you’re out of breath and your heart rate is up.

If it was a gym class you would check your Fitbit at this point. But it’s the bedroom and it might be a bit of a mood-killer to start calculating whether you’ve shagged off that extra beer from last night.

Sex and statistics aren’t immediate bedfellows but when we’re squeezing every last second out of our busy lives, why should the effort you put in between the sheets not count towards your daily fitness goals?

Last year a Reddit user posted a graph (so sexy) of her heart rate during sex and helpfully annotated it with some extra details: “Knees give out. Him on top.”

One online “sexercise” calculator suggests that a woman on top for 34 minutes would burn 129 kcal. That’s equivalent to 41 minutes of yoga, a 1.35 mile run or... 10 Doritos.

But in the data-loving days of 2016, developers aren’t going to leave those wanting to make sweet, nerdy love with just rough estimates.

The wearable that is currently on the market and explicitly designed to monitor sexual activity is the Geeksme, a smartwatch with four different operating modes: g!fitness, g!sleep, g!love and g!ecological. As well as the standard step-counting, sleep-monitoring, alarms and reminders, the g!love mode allows users to monitor each (what the website sexily refers to as an) “event”.

The team behind Geeksme estimates that, on average, bumping uglies for 15-25 minutes can burn 60-120 calories.

Geeksme allows you to find out about your sexual performance

Sex, it should be noted, is an all-rounder workout: core, glutes, abs, biceps, hamstrings. And for women, engaging the pelvic floor muscles is as much a part of the horizontal hula as their regular Pilates class.

In October, Elvie was launched — a wearable Kegel exercise device that trains pelvic floor muscles so women don’t even need to wait to hit the bedroom to start training.

Elvie: a wearable Kegel exercise device

Another device, Lovely, was listed on Indiegogo last year with some even more ambitious features. It promised to monitor speed, orientation, number of moves, calories burned and “g” force, while providing personalised sex tips to improve your game.

Lovely’s designers claim it is most effective for couples in monogamous relationships as it learns more with every thrust. It’s even a vibrator to boot.

The description includes all the sexiest buzzwords to get you in the mood: “medical-grade silicone”, “magnetometer” and “inductive charging”.

Sadly, Lovely did not reach it’s funding target but the creators are optimistic about finding investors and making their dirty dream a reality.

Best sex toys - in pictures

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Even so, post-coital pillow analysis is tapping in to our need to know everything about our bodies and might just become a regular addition to the rumpy-pumpy routine.

So dim the lights, take off your socks, gaze into each other’s eyes and switch your fitness tracker to “love” mode.

It’s business time.

Follow Rachael on Twitter: @littlewondering

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