Which sex holds booze the best?

Ed Harris10 April 2012

With any scientific experiment, it is important to establish rigorous criteria. So when we set out to establish whether women could hold their beer like men, there could be no margin for error.

The laboratory was the Elephant and Castle pub in Kensington; the guinea pigs reporters Luke Leitch and Harriet Arkell. And the man in the white coat with the clipboard was your correspondent, Ed Harris.

Our mission was to put to the test research, published today, which found women are biologically much more tolerant of beer than wine or spirits.

The experiment was straightforward. Take Luke and Harriet to the pub, force them to drink pint after pint of lager (no Bacardi Breezers for the lady), sit back and take notes.

The results speak for themselves. First on the table at 5pm was Carling, a mere 4.1 per cent proof. Harriet immediately threatened to undermine the test by slopping a good measure of hers on the floor.

After one pint, both subjects remained in control of basic speech functions. Harriet betrayed her inexperience by revealing she liked another lager that came "in a green bottle". Becks? "Yes, I like that, but this one is grim."

Pint number two (a stronger Staropramen) came, and went, without incident - although it was noted that both subjects became more expansive in their gestures. Luke was spotted spilling some of his on the way back from the bar. It was still only 6pm.

By pint number three, years of pub experience were starting to show. Luke put his lager away with ease. Harriet was struggling. "You have to burp all the time, it makes room for the beer," he advised. Harriet, a white wine drinker, was looking green about the gills.

Close observation confirmed a truth long known to men: session drinking is about volume, and making room for that volume. Harriet, contemplating her fourth pint (Grolsch) as Luke belched and took a big swig from his pint, had learnt a harsh truth.

By 8pm, it was all over "I can't go on," Harriet moaned, as a trickle of beer dripped on her suit. Luke had admittedly begun to demonstrate classic male "pub" behaviour.

Convinced he was not drunk, his gestures were more sweeping, and his urge to talk to the French women at the next table was overwhelming. Yet, crucially, his rate of drinking had not slackened.

He had nonetheless proved that women have not evolved sufficiently to handle more than three, or four pints at a time. In conclusion, it is clear ladies should stick to the white wine and leave beer to men. Afterwards our subjects spoke of their experiences.

Harriet Arkell

A couple of pints in, and the difference was obvious. Despite being a pint or so behind, I was feeling bloated and sick, particularly after endless grief from the boys to "down it"

The evening continued in similar vein, with the boys becoming ruder and more infantile.

After perhaps four pints I felt more tolerant of their japes - laughing as Luke tried a French accent on the tourists next to us. But I was felt depressingly clear-headed. Maybe the research was right: I certainly didn't feel drunk. Maybe it was the company I was keeping.

Luke asked if I was feeling "frisky", and the answer had to be: No. If Colin Firth had been there - or perhaps if I had been drinking vodka - the answer might have been different.

Luke Leitch

Harriet was full of bravado as the first pints were pulled, confident she would prove the female of the species can drink its masculine counterpart under the table.

However, she soon unleashed her feminine arsenal of dirty tricks. Strangely moved by a pair of French students nearby, I didn't notice her terrible act, but our referee revealed that Harriet had tipped a good measure of her second pint into the slops bin.

By what was supposedly her fourth pint Harriet was gone, whereas I was merely a tad chatty. At the end, I was tipsy, but Harriet was drunk as a Lord. Downing a fifth, I underlined the superiority of all men, victory was ours.

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