I clearly don’t have the ear of the judge. Well, possibly the left ear but definitely not the right.
The right ear is being subjected to a thorough de-waxing.
I am on my feet, mid-flow, mid-submission. I may as well be speaking to an empty bench, as the judge’s entire focus is on what he can dig out of the ear.
I suppose I should give him credit for trying to do it as surreptitiously as possible, but it’s not that difficult to see what’s going on.
When he has mined a large enough lump, he takes it out and subtly rolls it between his forefinger and thumb for a while, before discreetly putting it up to his lips for a crafty taste.
I am waxing lyrical while the judge is licking ear wax.
Not that it’s a problem. Although I try to dress them up grandly and deliver them with confidence, my submissions are frankly pants.
My client should have settled this case months ago but — contrary to my advice, contrary to the solicitors’ advice, contrary to all advice — he decided to fight on: “It’s the principle, you see.”
Well, he’s having his day in court and there can be no doubt it’s an expensive disappointment.
My submissions come to a close and I sit down. The judge has abandoned his ears and has turned his attention to his nails now, carefully inspecting each of them in turn.
My opponent rises to her feet and I take up my pen, ostensibly to make notes of her arguments and jot down a biting and compelling riposte, but actually to write a shopping list for later.
I know what my oppo will say and she knows what I will then say. And both of us are reasonably sure what the judge will say after that, although there’s often a residual element of surprise to his judgments.
I’ve even developed my own algebraic formula for the way a case is decided by this judge: D = 3m + w, where D is the judge’s decision, m is the merits of the case, largely based on as many of the papers he can be bothered to read in advance, and w is pure whim: how he happens to be feeling on the day.
Submissions, however eloquent, just don’t come into it. It may not be the most mathematically sound of equations, but it’s surprisingly accurate.
I just need to work in the ear wax factor and it will be infallible.
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